Eating Disorder Awareness Week

To support Eating Disorder Awareness Week (Feb. 26 - March 3), I am going to share my story.  Along with UC, I have also struggled with anorexia nervosa.  I'm not sure if Ulcerative Colitis lead to my eating disorder, but it certainly had its influence.

My eating disorder started innocently enough.  After being on prednisone for a year, I began seeing some of the side effects.  One of them was weight gain.  I went to Florida for a vacation, and when the pictures came back I was horrified.  I decided I was going to go on my first ever diet to help reduce some of the weight.

I went back to Tae Kwon Do and started to eat healthier.  It was all going as planned, and I began losing weight.  People were noticing, and I was getting compliments every day.  I relished the attention.  Being the perfectionist that I am, I couldn't leave well enough alone.  I began working out 24/7 and eating less and less.  Things were spiraling out of control, though I thought I was in control.  I was in denial until my GI doctor kept hounding my about my weight loss.  I came clean to him first.  That one phone call helped me in so many ways. It also lead to a closer relationship between my doctor and I that would be so vital later in my treatment.

A year after the vacation I found myself inpatient at Friends, a mental health hospital.  Admission was the scariest moment of my life.  I went into a back holding cell with all other admissions; schizophrenics, manic depressants, and self harmers.  We were all being held together for hours.  I spent a few weeks at Friends where I never really faced my eating disorder.  Without any out-patient follow-up, it was easy to slip back into my old ways.

Again a year later I found myself facing inpatient treatment once again.  This time I chose to go to Renfrew, a center that focuses solely on women with eating disorders.  Unfortunately, I was only inpatient for a few days when I had to be discharged for another hospital stay for a gallbladder attack.  When I entered treatment again, I made the mistake of going to the second step of inpatient where I would spend the working day at Renfrew, but go home for the evening and dinner.  Once again it was easy for me to cheat and never face my eating disorder.

It wasn't until a hospital stay for Ulcerative Colitis that I began to change my thinking.  My wonderful GI doctor was not going to release me unless I checked into treatment once again.  This time I chose IOP (intensive out-patient), but I had a different mindset going in.  After a UC flare while in the throws of anorexia, I realized how fragile my body was.  My heart was ready for the change, but my mind wasn't.  I struggled a lot during this time.

It was during this time that a met a great bunch a girls in a therapy group for women 30 & up.  These girls could relate to everything I was going through with my eating disorder and life.  We supported each other and I can't say enough how they helped me face some of my biggest fears.

This final round of IOP and group therapy helped a lot, but it wasn't until I faced surgery that I finally gained control over my eating disorder.  A switch came on where I finally saw what life had to offer me, and what I had to lose.

It's been 1 1/2 years since my surgery and my eating disorder is still with me every day.  It talks to me when I'm eating telling me how fat and disgusting I am.  How much of a failure I am for giving in to the temptations of food.  The difference is today, I can talk back to my eating disorder.  Food is my medicine and it keeps me healthy.  Anorexia Nervosa will be a continuous war for me, but today I am winning the battles.

P.S.  To all my friends who are still struggling, I hope you find the switch that leads you to wellness.  It's there; keep fighting.