I Had To Cross A Field Of Screaming Fire To See The Moonlight On The River

"I had to cross a field of screaming fire to see the moonlight on the river" is a line from a song by one of my favorite bands, Okkervil River.  This may not be the most inspirational quote, but it speaks to my recovery not just from the surgeries, but also my eating disorder.

In my 20's I went through a lot.  Not only was I just starting life out of college, but I was recently diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis as well.  The stress that I felt from my life whirling out of control led me to an eating disorder.  The eating disorder was a great coping mechanism because it gave me that sense of control while keeping the UC symptoms under wraps by not eating.

It was a daily battle for me between the demon voices in my head and the volcano erupting in my stomach.  I went inpatient for my eating disorder twice while also doing intensive out patient three times.  When I wasn't hospitalized for my eating disorder, I was hospitalized for complications with Ulcerative Colitis.  One for C-diff (a bacterial infection in the gut), one for a gall bladder attack followed by another to have the gall bladder removed, and three more for severe UC flares where I was malnurished and anemic.  Between the eating disorder and UC I spent at least one week in a hospital every year for 8 years.  When I wasn't seeing one doctor I was seeing another.

There were days that I felt I could not go on.  I felt things would be so much better if I didn't have to deal with anything anymore, and my loved ones no longer had to deal with me either.  Suicide was on the fore front of my brain, and I would fantasize about it often.  Except I knew this was not the answer.

After years of therapy and a lot of determination on my part I finally gained control over my eating disorder.  I have to admit the increasing toll Ulcerative Colitis was taking on my body was a big motivator.  Shortly after I began eating again, I was approved for the j-pouch surgeries.  I was on the road to getting my life back.

It's been two years since I had my colon removed and three since I started my recovery of anorexia.  I still have my struggles, but the world has opened up.  My life is not a constant worry.  I can focus on friends, family, work and not just myself.  The little things in life such as going out to dinner with my husband, exercising, and listening to music on the beach bring me such joy.  I feel like a have a better grasp of the beauty life gives by going through the trauma of my 20's.  Now in my 30's I am able to see the moonlight on the river, and have the rest of my life to enjoy it.