Stupidity Over Matter

I've noticed that the mind is a very important tool when it comes to chronic diseases.  It can keep you going through the worst of times, but also bring you to the darkest of times exaggerating the simplest of all problems.  For me the mind has helped me trudge on through thick and thin.

Let me digress a little.  When I was little I would fantasize about being special, as I believe everyone did.  I wanted so much to have my parents attention all to myself.  There were times that I would day dream about being sick and have my parents pamper me.  Never did I think these dreams would come true.

Now that I'm older (and much wiser), I do everything I can to deflect the fact that I do not feel 100%.  It began when I first was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis.  I hid the fact that things were not right for a long time.  While pooping bowls full of blood, I continued to work never saying a word.  I look back now and wonder how I did it until I remember it wasn't long ago that I was doing the same.  Just before my final flare that lead to the J-pouch surgeries I was working 10-12 hour days doing my full-time job following it up with showing homes in the evenings and on weekends.  The only days I ever took off for UC during the course of my disease was when I was in the hospital.  For me, staying home verified that I was sick.  If I could make it through a day of work, then I could fool myself that I wasn't so sick.

This is where my stupidity comes in.  I can't get through my thick, stubborn head that sometimes staying home is beneficial to your health.  This past Friday, I woke up experiencing the pain of another blockage.  I knew things were not right while dressing for work, but I wouldn't admit it and off to work I went.  As the day went on the pain got worse and worse and the bathroom trips ceased.  By the time I came home, the pain was up there.  Being the fool I am (and trying to hide all from my husband), I ate a light dinner.  The waves of pain then came on like no other.  Fortunately, it did not last long before the blockage broke free.  Another hospital trip avoided.  But because I tried to act like a normal person, I did more harm than good and was sore for another two days.

A balance needs to be met.  You can't sit at home and dwell on all your problems or you will feel sorry for yourself.  Studies show that people who are depressed feel pain more.  On the other hand, if you don't rest you will wear yourself out making yourself sicker than before.  This is a hard balance to find.  People either find themselves at one end or the other.  Lessons never learned, I'm still trying to find this balance myself.